


Yuzuru Hanyu and the Blades of Destiny

by cuddlefishes



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Gen, crackfic, humorous (I hope), somewhat Harry Potter inspired
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-22
Updated: 2020-02-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:14:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22841557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cuddlefishes/pseuds/cuddlefishes
Summary: After failing to land the quad axel yet again on his quest to beat Nathan Chen, Yuzuru Hanyu learns from Ghislain Briand that the figure skating world is ruled by cabals of dark wizards who are conspiring against him! To defeat them and regain his Worlds title, he must find and retrieve the Blades of Destiny from the bowels of the ISU Headquarters in Lausanne, Switzerland with the help of his friends and a tiny Yuna Kim.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 29





	Yuzuru Hanyu and the Blades of Destiny

Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the characters of this story and their real life counterparts is purely coincidental. Purely coincidental. 

Yuzuru Hanyu slammed his fist against the ice in frustration. He had fallen on the quadruple axel again. He was so close, so close, to mastering the ultimate weapon against his nemesis, the dastardly, curly-haired Nathan Chen, but that last, tiny step, actually landing the damned thing, still eluded him. Worlds was in one month, but at this rate, there was no way the jump would be ready in time.

_If I jump too high, I can’t rotate, but if I don’t jump high enough, I don’t have enough space to fit in the rotations. And if I don’t land the 4A, the ISU won’t let me beat Nathan, and if I don’t beat Nathan, Hashimoto will scream at me and lock me in the cupboard under JSF’s stairs again, and—and—_

No. He was catastrophizing.

He rose and sighed, his bangs stuck to his forehead by sweat. Sensing a disturbance in the Pooh-field, a million fan girls and fan boys sighed with him. He then wiped the snow off of his butt, and their minds went other places.

“That’s enough for today, Yuzu,” his coach called after him. Yuzuru always thought Ghislain Briand resembled what Winnie the Pooh would look like if the cartoon bear were a middle aged white man.

Yuzuru, as befitting an anime protagonist and inveterate Slyffindor, hated giving up, so he tried one last time.

_Splat._

He winced. “Alright, alright, I’m done.”

When he returned to the bench after his cool down exercises, Ghislain sat beside him and patted his shoulder. “Come to my office. I have something I need to tell you,” he said mysteriously.

Yuzuru removed his boots, rubbed his feet through his striped toe-socks, and pondered what Ghislain could possibly want to say.

Things got a little weirder when he walked into the office and noticed it was twice as big as he remembered it being.

“Uh, did you redecorate?” Yuzuru asked, eying the figurine of Yuna Kim that had somehow begun moving.

“Have a seat, Yuzuru,” Ghislain said, gesturing at the plush chair in front of his desk. “The answers to your questions will come soon.”

Ghislain’s own chair had been replaced with an elevated mat, which the coach sat upon in lotus position.

 _So he’s not only middle-aged, white Pooh, but also a middle-aged, white Budai?!_ Yuzuru thought. _At least I have two Olympic golds and a six pack over him._

“I think it’s time for you to learn some secrets about figure skating that have been kept from you for a long time,” Ghislain said serenely. “They are secrets skaters learn after retiring.”

“But I’m not r—” He felt the familiar sensation of invisible hands covering his mouth and muffling the remainder of his sentence. Ever since Pyeongchang, he could never say the word “retire” without that happening for some reason.

“However, Tracy and I thought that, given the situation, it would be better to reveal the secrets now.” Ghislain paused dramatically. “You see, figure skating isn’t only a sport—in fact, with the judging these days it’s barely a sport at all, but I digress. Figure skating is also…magic.”

“I know it’s magic,” Yuzu replied dubiously. “That’s why I have so many fans. I’ve enchanted them.”

“No, you have so many fans because you’re a very talented young man with many achievements who also looks like the male lead in a shoujo manga. And you have a six pack. None of that is magic, except maybe the six pack. I mean real, actual magic.”

As if on cue, the miniature Yuna Kim performed a triple lutz, sailing over the gap between the shelf and the table, and landed in front of Yuzu. He glanced at it in alarm.

“Many of the goings-on in figure skating are actually do to magic,” Ghislain continued. “For instance, Eteri Tutberidze is the greatest witch Russia has ever produced, and her girls are her creations. We can still detect the traces of her magic in Evgenia.”

“Okay, I guess can believe that about Eteri. That makes a lot of sense, actually,” Yuzu said cautiously. Certainly the tiny Yuna, who was now performing her signature camel spin, made it hard to deny the existence of magic. “But what does this have to do with me? Don’t tell me my success is due to magic too.”

“No,” Ghislain said sharply. “When Brian started The Cricket Club’s figure skating program, he took a blood oath that we would be free of such occult methods. But just because we are free of magic here, does not mean you are not affected by it.”

“What do you mean? How am I affected by magic, then?”

“Your nemesis, Nathan Chen. Why do you think his quads are so consistent, and why do you think his hair is so curly? It’s a side effect of the magic the USFSA used when they created him.”

“Really?” Yuzuru said. “I always thought he just had a premature case of old Asian lady hair syndrome.”

“Yuzu! Take this seriously!” “Sorry, it’s just a lot to take in.” Yuzuru stood and began to pace around the room, eying each of the trinkets suspiciously and wondering they would suddenly become animate too.

“So you’re telling me that Nathan is the product of some magical spell thing by the USFSA. What am I supposed to do about that? I still have to win against him. Honestly, the situation doesn’t sound so different from how I previously understood it.”

“Ah, but don’t you see. It’s more than Nathan you’re up against! You’re up against the USFSA, and the ISU. These are organizations of dark witches and wizards who cannot stand to see skaters like you succeeding for so long through muggle methods.”

“It still doesn’t sound different from how I understood it.”

“Why do you think the ISU implemented the +5/-5 GOE system?”

“To give judges more power to manipulate placements?”

“To aid their dark magic!” Ghislain took a deep breath and meditated for a moment. “What’s more, I think a wizard in the ISU cursed the 4A—and not just by lowering the BV. That’s why you haven’t been able to land it.”

This caused Yuzu to straighten and return to his seat. “How do I un-curse it?” “I think you will need new blades.”

“New blades? That’s easy.”

“Not just any new blades. Special new blades. The blades…of destiny.” Ghislain paused and looked at Yuzu expectantly.

Yuzuru frowned. “Are they John Wilson blades? I’ve never heard of them. What’s the rocker profile like?”

“Their profile is similar to the P99’s, so it shouldn’t be a big adjustment. The toepicks are slightly bigger, which will help you get even more height—but that’s beside the point! The point is, they will allow you to break the curse!”

Yuzuru nodded slowly. “Okay...Where do I get them?”

Ghislain sighed. “You see, there’s the problem. There’s only one pair, and they’re hidden somewhere in the bowels of the ISU headquarters in Lausanne. Moreover, Brian and I, we did some research, and we think they’re heavily guarded. Not just because they have the power to break curses, but because—because Alexander Lakernik is using them as his horcrux.”

“Horcrux? Like those soul containers from Harry Potter?”

“Yes, like the soul containers from Harry Potter. Alexander Lakernik can never die, as long as he keeps those blades safe. You must retrieve them, use them to beat Nathan, and then destroy them. Only then can Lakernik’s evil reign be ended.”

“Hold on, I’m supposed to defeat Lakernik too? I just wanted to win a few more gold medals and land the quad axel!” Yuzu whined. “And how does Lakernik have a horcrux? Don’t you have to kill someone to have one of those? Who did Lakernik kill?!”

“If you had read Harry Potter more carefully, Yuzu, you’d know that horcruxes are created when a wizard commits a deed so foul that it tears their soul in two. Lakernik hasn’t killed anyone as far as we know, but I’ll give you a hint: we believe the horcrux was created in 2014.”

The Yuna figurine approached Yuzuru’s clenched fist, and tapped it with her toepick sadly. He glanced at her frowning face and felt a quiet pain shoot through his heart.

“You will be the greatest hero of all time if you defeat him,” Ghislain said. “The GHOAT, if you will. And also the hero of Japanese-South Korean diplomatic relations. You might even end the trade war.”

“Just what I need, another reason for Prime Minister Abe to invite me to one of his parties again.”

“Plus, Yuna might start speaking to Brian again.”

“Why do I feel like that’s the main reason Brian wants me to do this?” Yuzu sighed. But when he saw the single acrylic tear drip down Yuna’s face, he felt ashamed. She had been his favorite ladies skater of her era, though the Japanese media would have killed him if he had admitted it.

“Fine,” he said, standing. “I’ll defeat Nathan Chen, and USFSA, and the ISU, and the Dark Lord himself.”

Mysteriously, his right ankle began aching.


End file.
